Every Mother Needs a Wife
But what about my wife's wife?
“Every mother needs a wife. Some mothers’ wives are their mothers. Some mothers’ wives are their husbands. Some mothers’ wives are their friends and neighbors. Every working person needs someone to come home to and someone to come get them out of the home. Someone who asks questions about their day and maybe fixes them something to eat.”
― Amy Poehler, Yes Please
I read Amy Poehler’s Yes Please long before having children, but this quote has been living in the recesses of my brain ever since. I’ve been wanting to write something about this since our nanny left us in March, but I’ve been too sad and mixed up about it to put it into words.
On the one hand when I mention the mother needing a wife concept to Israel, he shakes his head and says it’s a luxury to think that way. And he’s right - if my nanny is my wife, who is hers? She makes our meals and takes care of our house and still has to do the same in her own home at the end of each day. On Wednesdays she would leave a bit early to take advantage of the fact that she would have enough running water to do her laundry.
But on the other hand as Israel left this week to deliver a tiny house and left me in charge of the home, the kid, and the shop, I am left wanting a wife. When Leo and I leave, we come back to an untouched bachelor pad, no food in the fridge, no water, clothes yet to be taken to the laundry. Israel can get away with that, because he only has himself to worry about. We do have a part time wife now, Bertita, who comes twice a week to cook and clean, and that’s all Israel needs. The rest of the time, he eats out and doesn’t have to worry about the home. When he comes back this evening, however, he’ll come back to a clean home, with freshly washed and folded clothes, 2 new water jugs, food in the fridge, a well fed bathed and healthy kid (with a new dumb toy), and if I have time today a clean car. Not to mention the shop is still standing and tiny house builds are progressing.
It’s not a dig on him. I’ve been sitting in his boss chair all week and learning how to put in orders for materials I haven’t ordered before, answering questions from our team about how our clients want their furniture and tiles, and shelling out money for sand paper and screws all day every day - all things Israel usually handles. The team misses him, as the vibe in the shop is quieter than usual. And there are things I had to leave undone because it was too much to keep bothering him in the middle of the delivery with silly questions. But I also have my own duties; answering to tiny house clients, sitting in meetings and being on standby for my Knit team and clients, taking Leo to and from school, entertaining him at the shop, doing meals, and you know just basic hygiene.
We decided not to replace our full time nanny because it was really hard on me to fall in love with her and be so dependent on that relationship and have it end so suddenly. It was a break up. It wasn’t me, it was her, and it hurt. Because we’re living abroad, it’s a running joke that the people we hire at home are my only friends. A joke that’s not entirely untrue. Anna Maria was my bestie, and she left me to be with her real family. She left to go be a wife to her daughter, and I hope her daughter is a wife to her.
I’m sure by now you’ve seen a stat or read an article about how in opposite-sex couples, women still carry the majority of the care taking, which was exaggerated by the pandemic. The charts above are generous at best, because I don’t understand how you’d only be able to do 6.9 hours of caregiving each week, as 2 hours before school and 6 hours after school is already more than that, plus unexpected midnight wake ups plus 48 hours on the weekends… does not add up to 6.9. Even if you add in the 5.1 hours that supposedly the dude carries, what is the kid doing the other 76 hours of the week unless you have full time help? But I imagine that the women surveyed didn’t even want to admit to themselves the load they carry. Or they all have secret wife/mistresses they’re not talking about. OR the survey was asked in a way to the tune of “out of 10 hours a week of caregiving, how many hours are you responsible for?” so they only had a max of 10 hours to choose from.
The point is that people taking care of children and loved ones (because let’s remember that it’s not just the kids that have to be fed and have an easily accessible inventory of soap, deodorant, and toothpaste, but the partners as well) need help. Israel said I’d be so burdened this week learning about the weight he carries at work, but the only thing it showed me was how much I also carry and how chingona I am. I’d be lost without my part time wife, Bertita, and help on the weekends from Israel’s parents. I’ve had conversations with my childbearing friends and family members who talk about the heavy burden they carry, but that their husbands (my own brother included) claim that fatherhood is hard too and that they try to share an equal load, but we haven’t even begun to talk about the invisible mental load that moms carry on top of all the hours spent feeding and cleaning little ones. I know I’ve ranted about this before, but here it is again - it’s not the same, and moms need a wife.