I Made My Own Birthday Cake

…and I was so proud of it that I made another one.

Birthdays seem to come and go and for the last few years, I’ve wanted them to just go. It’s just another day, I say to myself. I was trying to figure out what I did the past couple of years for my birthday and I really don’t remember. I don’t know if I was in California or Mexico or what we ate or who we were with, I just know I am another year older. This year, a few days before my birthday, I saw a post on Instagram of what looked to be the most decadent chocolate cake and I read the recipe and it was all DF and GF, so I thought many things… 1. Is it weird to make your own birthday cake? 2. Will this “healthy” cake taste as good as it looks? 3. Can I find all the ingredients? 4. But really, should I make my own birthday cake?!

I thought about my suegra who for her 60th birthday made her own mole, her own cake, and planned her own party and I was disappointed that she didn’t let anyone else help. But this year I realized, the woman knows what’s up. She knows she’s the only one that can make the meal and the cake and the party she wants, and she deserves to have her perfect event. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve planned or cooked for my own party. It’s something I like to do and something I’m good at and just like my suegra, I know if I do it, it’ll be right. But for some reason, making my own cake felt different. It felt like I wasn’t trusting other people to take care of me and at the same time felt a little indulgent, like do I really even need a cake? 

I thought, well I have to go to the grocery store anyway, and if I can find all the DF and GF ingredients, I’ll do it. Just for fun. Just for the experiment. And in our little Mexican town, I was able to find coconut flour, tapioca starch, dark chocolate, agave syrup, and all the other things the recipe called for. Now I had no excuse. Because I had the tools and the resources, I convinced myself that it’s okay and good for me to look out for myself, and it’s fine to be indulgent - it’s my birthday for goodness sake!

It also helps that Leo loves cooking and baking with me. I mean, he likes to put his finger above the bowl while I pour syrup in so he can taste it. And of course he also likes to mix and measure and make a mess. He sometimes doesn’t even eat what we make (maybe because he’s full from all the syrup) but he just loves the process. Maybe I decided to make the cake because I knew it would be a fun experience for the two of us. Maybe sometimes all it takes is a little push, a little fun, and someone we love. Making something that seems big in our heads much smaller, more manageable. This way if the cake sucks, at least I had a good time with my son. 

Every once in a while, a call pops up on my calendar with a grad student or alum asking for entrepreneurial advice and sometimes, I have the opportunity to be interviewed and share our business journey. The question, “what advice do you have for someone looking to start their own business?” comes up. I always answer the same way - you don’t know the end when you start, so try not to get caught up in how to get to the finish line. Just pick the first thing you have to accomplish or the first thing you have to learn and do it. That will lead you to the next step and the next step and what you build might be totally different than what you had initially imagined. It might be even bigger and better. Also, if you really know how much work and time it will take to get where you want to go, it might be so overwhelming that you'll never do it. So just start with the first thing. 

It’s the same with the cake. I had a lot of thoughts about it. What if? Should I? That’s dumb. It’s not necessary. But I decided to just start with the grocery list. My business coach (and life coach because she’s greatly improved my life), Aurora from Repurpose Your Purpose, always says follow your energy and your energy brings more energy. I’ve been working with her for about 4 months now and I think I’m finally starting to get that. It energized me to go on a search for speciality items, which I found! Then it energized me to make a cake, and I have to say we did a beautiful job. On my birthday when we decided to have Israel’s family over, I thought oh no, our cake isn’t big enough and what if it sucks? But I had so much fun making the first one, I decided to make another (less healthy) one. Energy creates more energy. 

Is this blog really about a cake? Maybe. But maybe it’s about how I’m finding importance in small things. I’m learning to do things just because I want to do them, to shut out the voices that say, “that’s frivolous,” or “that’s too much work,” or the biggest one these days, “you don’t have the time.” For a long time now, basically since Leo was born, I haven’t been able to get myself into a consistent exercise routine, and my excuse is always that I don’t have the time. But the crazy thing about exercise is that once you have a rhythm for it, it gives you more energy. Energy creates energy. It becomes less about minutes and hours in a day and more about how I as a person with a clear head and happy heart can go about all the things I have to do. The things I have to do then become less heavy and I can do them with more grace, light, and creativity. 

Fun is important. It takes time, but who cares. It’s vital. Fun is how kids learn, so why can’t I learn that way too? I’m also taking this year, this new chapter, to just do it. It’s my Nike year. I’ve been sitting on business ideas, creative outlets like this blog and my podcast, and travel plans, all locked away in a we-don’t-have-time-for-that chest. But the truth is we don’t have time for anything less than lifegiving. 

We made the chocolate cake. It was beautiful. AND it was yummy. My family was skeptical to try it because Israel outed the cake as gluten free, but they were so impressed, they came back for seconds. It was delicious. It was everything I hoped for in a chocolate cake, and really everything I needed for a birthday. They didn’t even try the second cake, which I’m now eating a slice of for breakfast while I have the house to myself on a Saturday morning. The first cake apparently wasn’t indulgent enough, so the second cake was a rum cake, filled with G and S and D, and I’m not even a little bit guilty about it.

P.S. After some feedback, I had to come back and make sure you, dear reader, know that people do take care of me. People all over the place called and texted on my birthday and Israel planned a really sweet getaway at a winery for next weekend, and his family came over to our house to celebrate with us. I felt very loved. I didn’t feel sad writing this blog, and hope you didn’t feel sad reading it. I had fun making a cake and that’s all. To many more birthdays and cakes and lots more energy! 🥳