It’s December 30th, 2022 and I gave myself the task of putting out a blog every 2 weeks on Friday mornings and I don’t want to end the year as a failure to myself so here I am in my quiet and cold apartment before my tiny world wakes up, writing. I’ve been tossing around a few ideas in my head over the past couple of weeks, such as writing about Christmas, a blog about how moms need to be nicer to each other on social media, and even considered just typing out Happy New Year and hitting send.
But what I really feel at this moment is burnt out. We discuss the burn out of the pandemic in our upcoming podcast and how, whether we want to admit it or not, life changed in a big way for everyone. Life got crazy there for a minute. And continues to make us question, what the actual fuck? I feel myself still in a state of worry or over-preparing or even the fear of being judged when I’m not being super careful or judging others when they’re not careful or being way over the top. Was there ever a defined end to COVID? Did the “experts” ever put a date to it? Or is it just like an unhealthy relationship that you didn’t want in the first place, then got ghosted, and every once in a while he keeps coming into your life? Definitely feels more like a ghost that will never go away.
It’s not just COVID, like it’s not about the sickness itself. It’s about how life changed. How the boundaries of work and life and home and office blurred. Home is no longer a sacred safe place and an office actually might sound like a sanctuary. School is a breeding ground for all those cute cartoon germs that sit on our kids’ shoulders and sneak into their backpacks, but even sending my kid there sounds a lot more appealing than having to halfass motherhood and businesswomanhood at the same time.
I’m still struggling to get my head around the fact that even though as a society we have survived a pandemic and are alive and well, how that constant stress is still hovering around us. Or is it just me? My life didn’t change a lot before, during or after the worst waves of COVID because I was already working remotely and continue to work remotely. So if you’re reading this, and you’re like, I don’t know what she’s talking about, my life is sunshine and butterflies all the time, then it’s probably just my own mix of work and raising a family and being far from my brothers and friends that makes me want to keep the blankets over my head all day every day. But if you are even the slightest burnt out at the end of 2022, let’s journey a little bit together on this.
A quick Google “define burn out” gave me this:
ruin one's health or become completely exhausted through overwork.
completely destroy a building or vehicle by fire, so that only a shell remains.
Only a shell remains.
Here’s what the burn out does to me - it makes me unable to make decisions, incapable of progress, and in a pitiful state of self loathing for not doing better; for not doing more. If you even try to say to me, “is there milk in the fridge?”, I will come at you like Goliath on fire because if there isn’t, I failed. When I mentioned halfassing motherhood and worklife before, I wasn’t being facetious. I’m not able to put 100% of myself into anything and that wears on me. It’s the worst when I miss work deadlines or it’s apparent Leo has gone too many days without a bath. I am failing. And I’m too tired to fight back. Every day is a chance to wake up early, plan my day out so I have work time and family time so that I can be 100% in the moment, but every day I hit the snooze button and let myself forget how bad I’ve been at life. I don’t want to try anymore.
Let me pause here to say you don’t have to come at me with worries about me being okay. I am okay, and everyday, I do push through that negative self talk and keep going (or Leo pulls me out of bed with an excited exclamation “morning time!”) but I just want to paint the picture for you that some moments are dark. Some moments are lonely. Sometimes, I’m just tired.
But you know what’s interesting about that definition? A shell has possibilities. A tiny house shell will be turned into a full home for a family. An empty clam shell can become a home to a new creature or be repurposed to make something beautiful. The shell of a walnut can be used in a compost to help new things to grow. Even after telling myself on repeat to just get up and do the work and that I can do hard things, that definition rings truer than any because, I definitely feel like just a shell at the end of many days.
So maybe I should just give in to that shell feeling. Instead of continuing to tell myself how tired I am and how I didn’t accomplish as much as I said I was going to, maybe I’ll just start each day as a shell. Exhausted by overwork and overthinking, but I’m still standing and am ready to be filled and molded into the next version of myself. Ready to be rebuilt and torn town and rebuilt again. And to be a participant in that rebuilding instead of just letting life go on around me and reacting to it, but what do I want this shell to become? Instead of fighting burn out by lying to myself and saying I’m not tired or everything is okay, to just give in. I’m burnt out. I need a nap. And if I’ve really been destroyed in a fire, a shell still remains.
Just some happy thoughts to bring you into the new year! ;) To filling the shell with strength, growth and joy in 2023.
Kids are hard. It is okay to admit that. Life is hard. It is okay to admit that. Work... the same.
I read this and think you're alright, you're having a moment, and you are contending.
I saw my youngest recently during a trip to Humboldt. When I saw her I hugged her and wept. It was more than missing her... life has become a bit wild around here. She's a woman and I love her growth... but I also miss my baby. And I fear the things I didn't do right... etc.
And life, kids, work, etc. are simultaneously amazing and all that stuff.
As someone who has worked from home for 20+ years, I like the "alone". But it is important to have those connections - digital lifelines - as well. Try to have those in place.
Take care!
I remember when you and your brothers were young - I was physically exhausted for about 10-12 years... running around, working, mothering, wife-ing, doing my best. Then as you became young teenagers to young adults, I was mentally exhausted... dad and I would lay in bed, eyes wide open, every night from 10pm - 12am, praying that whoever was still out, was safe. Dad would actually have the phone right on his chest. When you went to College, it got worse - I feared for your life, especially when I saw news stories about missing college girls, predators, shooters. One time, when you had to have your wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist advised he would be using anesthesia for that procedure, while waiting for you in the lobby, I thought I might have a heart attack right then and there. It took all my self-discipline to not barge past the door that separates the lobby from all the little dental chairs, to come find you and check in on you and make sure the dentist knew what he was doing. Besides the Pandemic; good intentions on mothering, wife-ing, working, living is a challenge. I do like your shell definition and metaphore.
Something I think moms of our generation had a little easier was MUCH LESS INPUT from social media 24-7. That adds to and intensifies the worry, fear, exhaustion - I pray your generation learns to "put the phone down" for at least 1-2 hours a day, and 1 day a week.
I also think that most "worries" are temputous sirens that needs to be acknowledged for what they are... Siren Story: "Half-birds, half beautiful maidens, the Sirens were singing enchantresses capable of luring passing sailors to their islands, and, subsequently, to their doom. Daughters of the river god Achelous and a Muse, they were fated to die if anyone should survive their singing. When Odysseus passed them by unharmed, they hurled themselves into the sea and were drowned."
Source: https://www.greekmythology.com/Myths/Creatures/Sirens/sirens.html
Along with creating a new creation under the shell, I would try to swap "worry" for Observation and then many of the worries will "hurl themselves into the sea and drown!"
Those are thoughts from your loving, proud, Mom!